Thursday, April 30, 2009

The King of Birthdays

Brandonmas is Here!!!!

A day long fabled...

April 30th, the Day of the Brandon.

Brandon History Month is a time of reflection for this influential folk hero, majestic admiral of America's dreams.

The Day of the Brandon is more festive.

In Mexico, they dance around tables in victory, they do the hokey pokey with the right leg in only, as a tribute to Brandon's Right Leg which created the Yucatan Pennisula.

In Sweden, they stay up really late and tell tales of Brandon's mighty left arm, The Hammer, which was a mighty tool in the liberation of the Swedes in 1328.

In Russia, they have a day of sad remembrance, when they tried to copy the power of Brandon's right arm. The project ultimately failed. See also, Chernobyl.

In France, they give thanks to Brandon's Left Leg, without it the English Channel would never have been formed, giving the English free travel to the continent.

So you see, this isn't merely Brandon's birthday, it is the world's Birthday. And as Brandon is ever a generous demi-god, humble and true, we leave this missive with a gift for you...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Brandonmas Eve

Twas the night before Brandonmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
They were not stirring because Brandon flexed with care,
In hopes that the red clothed trespasser would soon be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Brandon's karate chops fill their heads.
And fools who are needing, their butts surely will be place a cap,
Brandon will kick them in the brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Brandon sprung from the bed, ninja style see what was the matter.
Away to the window Brandon runs like the Flash,
Tore open the shutters and the window he bashed.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave contrast of the fat man in red below.
When, what in Brandon's iron fist did appear,
But ninety seven ninja Daggers, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a slight shudder, the blades flew quick,
Brandon knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his blades they came,
And they whistled, and screamed, and called Death by name!

"Now Slasher! now, Razor! now, Decapitator and Blood Spillin'!
On, Murder! On, Stupid! on, on Cutter and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now slash away! Slash away! Slash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the daggers they flew,
With the murder in their hearts, and St Nicholas' ass too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The slicing and dicing of each little hoof.
As Brandon had wished, the daggers' target they found
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all bloody with gashes and soot.
A bundle of hilts he had found on his back,
And he looked like a dead hobo, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose bloody like a cherry!
His drool came out his little mouth that was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a leg, cut off by Brandon, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he breathed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old self,
And Brandon laughed when Brandon saw him, you trespassing elf!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon told Brandon that he soon would be dead.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He flopped and groaned, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, and his soul it rose!

Brandon sprang to the roof and shouted a proclamation
And in his words the citizens felt emancipation
But the words he did exclaim, had lived throughout many nights,
"Brandonmas is the only holiday which matters anymore, get out of my sight"

And all the people and all the animals knew
That this night was now borne anew.
Please tell every baby, puppy, and possum
By the blood of St. Nick, Brandon is Awesome

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Brandon History Month Volume XXVIII

As Brandon History Month is drawing to a close, we at the Brandon Appreciation in Media and Farming committee or B.A.M.F. would like to take a moment to impart on you the reader, the true Reason for the Season.

Brandon is Awesome.

Thank you very much for your time

Monday, April 27, 2009

BHM the 27th, The Fighting 27th

en \KEN\, noun:
1. Perception; understanding; knowledge.
2. The range of vision.
3. View; sight.
4. Brandon

He was to make several important discoveries, the most significant being that infantile paralysis was caused not by germs, as cerebrospinal meningitis had been, but by a mysterious agent just then emerging into the ken of science.
-- James Thomas Flexner, Maverick's Progress

So we are predisposed -- if not preprogrammed -- to accept tales of animals who display human motives, understanding, reason, and intentions. It takes a far greater imagination to conceive the possibility that a dog's mental life may assume a form that is simply beyond our ken.
-- Stephen Budiansky, If a Lion Could Talk

Libussa, the youngest, particularly beautiful, unworldly and serious, was able to see what was hidden from other people's ken and to prophesy.
-- Peter Demetz, Prague in Black and Gold

Brandon History Month 26, 2009

Shakespeare's Birthday.

Known throughout the world as the Bard. The master of the English language. Lover, playwright, genius. All works in the language are touched by his mind.

Brandon knows him as his former apprentice

Brandon History Month: Day 25

On this day in 1719, Daniel Dafoe published Robinson Crusoe. A story of a man washed up on a deserted island with only his friend Friday as company.

A story of heartbreak, slavery, betrayal and survival.

Brandon calls that Thursday

Friday, April 24, 2009

The 24th day of the Month of Brandon

Thaumaturgy \THAW-muh-tuhr-jee\, noun:
1. The performance of miracles or magic.
2. Brandon's smile

There was ever a cautious hesitancy on the part of the clergy to recognize evidence of thaumaturgy, and the superstitious use of relics. Although in the case of Brandon, one is inclined to believe in such based on the evidence.
-- John Mcgurk, "Devoted People: Belief and Religion in Early Modern Ireland", Contemporary Review, September 1998

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Brandon History Month: April 23rd...Wurd

On this day in history in the year 362 Brandon set the record for the most consecutive jumping jacks.

He started in the year 102

A feat that still has not been matched.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Updates up to date

I've been lazy lately.

I post these stupid BHM stuff but other than that, I don't keep up with regular posts.

Oh well.

A few things.

I Woke Up in Pittsburgh is on a small hiatus. Sam got stabbed and he's in the hospital.

The reason why he is stabbed is coming.

When I started the blog I just wrote it. And that's how I've treated it. Just a daily couple hundreds of words spur of the minute style. Well, I haven't been paying attention and a lot of stuff is flowing.

So while Sam is recuperating, I'm writing in advance. Trying to get a straight line through the plot.

I spend my days on the internet with a lot of webcomics. I'm completely transfixed on the artform, mainly because it is so completely alien to my awareness.

Here's a couple of the best I've found:

1. PVP Daily, or near daily, comic strip about a fictional gaming magazine. Been going strong for over ten years and still brings the funny.

2. Goblins Beautifully drawn fantasy based on D&D rules.

3. The Abominable Charles Christopher Fun randomness that is complete art.

The artist responsible for Abominable was commissioned by an indie band, Ragni, to make a short graphic novel for one of their albums.

I rarely use the word Stunning but that's the only way to describe it.

The North Sea Epoch by Karl Kersch

Brandon History Month Day 22: Womyn Power!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Brandon History Month 20, 2009

In the seventies Marvel comics made this guy:
That's Luke Cage. Strong and violent. Problem was his sales weren't that great. Wasn't pulling off the strong and violent vibe. So he was replaced with:Now that's what I call Strong and Violent.

And awesome.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

BHM 1 to the 9

Hard to believe but it's true. Brandon is a thousand times cuter than that dressed up as Winnie the Pooh.

Don't believe me?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Brandon History Month XVII

When I talk to God, I speak Hebrew

When I talk about passion, I speak Spanish

In matters of the heart, I speak Italian

When I discuss politics, I speak French

When I talk to my horse, I speak German

When you wish to dance, You speak Brandon

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The Ides of Brandon History Month

Today is Tax Day in America.

A day full of frenzied activity from all the slackers and procrastinators across the country.

Brandon is hitting a tax deadline as well. For every one hundred dinosaurs he kills he has to pay the government a tree.

They plant it in upstate California.

You call it the Redwood Forest Preserve.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Book Trailers

One of my blog o sphere buddies put up this post that was a response to this post which is a contest based on these trailers.

Never one to back down from new ways to tell the same story, I spent a quiet night at home making a trailer for Sam the Man.

So thanks to the patience of my wife and the suggestion by proxy of Lady Glamis, I now have a trailer.

Enjoy and leave a comment with critiques.

BTW if you like what you saw please don't hesitate to visit Sam's site

From the Misty Mountain Top comes BHM day 14

It is well known who was shot today in 1865 and by whom.

What isn't well known is that the Lincoln's attended the Ford Theatre after failing to obtain two tickets to Brandon's sold out One Man Show, "I Could Turn into a Pterodactyl if I Wish" playing across the street at the Pontiac Theatre.

Had Brandon been aware of the President's wish to see his show, Brandon surely would arranged for some backstage passes.

Unfortunately, Brandon spent most of the morning writing the novelization of his other hit play, "Once Upon a Time I Ate Paramus, New Jersey."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Brandon History Month 11, 12, 13

The 11th

There are a number of things in this universe that are still unknown.

Or in other words:

There are a number of things in this universe that Brandon hasn't explained yet

The 12th

On this day in 1961, Yuri Gagarin becomes the first human to travel in outer space. That's the popular story.

The truth is Yuri's Vostok 1 aircraft was lapped several times by Brandon in his 1996 Pontiac Grand Am.

The truth is out there

The 13th

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !"
What are little girls made of?
"Sugar and spice and all things nice
That's what little girls are made of!"

What is Brandon made of?
Dual cast Aluminum and a Laser equipped Tail
That's Brandon is made of!
Also one fifth Transformer and one Fifth GI Joe
One fifth A-Team and one fifth Stoogey Moe
The last fifth is awesomeness and of that he's reknown.
There would be another fifth (lava) but jealousy is abound.

All these things make a Brandon, makes him legendary
And makes great men give up and join a Brandon Seminary.
It is not for us, mere mortals all, to judge and snicker
It is for us to be struck in awe, to gawk and drink malt liquour

Friday, April 10, 2009

Brandon History Month the X

Brandon is known for his kindness.

He is also known for his laser beam attacks.

one of many heroic statues of Brandon around the world. This one is called, "The Regulator."

Thursday, April 09, 2009

B to the H to the M to the Day to the 9

On this day in 1865, Robert E. Lee surrendered the Confederate Army to the Union at the McLean House near the Appomattox Court House.

Though the story is that the Reb's supply trains had been destroyed the night before finally urged Lee to surrender the truth is much more simple.

Brandon flew like a bird onto the battlefield and took off his shirt.

The sight of such magnificent abs cause all weapons to melt leaving both armies to the mercy of his glistening biceps.

They say that in the hills of West Virginia there are people so isolated they still speak in English circa the 1800's.

They have kept alive the old nursery rhyme about the "Beautiful Battle Bird that made the Confederates Lay an Egg."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Birkat Hachama

Today is a double update because it involves the same thing, Jewish holidays.

Today is the Blessing of the Sun, a once every twenty-eight years event that is a celebration of the return of the Sun to it's location the day the world was made.

So every Jew in the land that remembered or like the wife and I found out about last weekend, got up early to stare into the sun and Bless God for such a wonderful thing.

Isn't that nice?

It's times like these that I feel the real power of my religion. To know that I am a link in chain that is five thousand years old is very humbling.

And tonight is Pesach, or Passover, to the gentiles. Oi Vey!


Brandon History Month, Day Ocho

At sundown today, Jews the world over will celebrate Passover.

This is the commemoration of the freedom of Jews from the House of Bondage, Egypt.

Brandon wasn't there, but isn't it interesting one of the most holy days in all of Judaism is during Brandon History Month?

I think not.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Spring Cleaning

I felt rambunctious today for some reason.

Goofy really.

For example:


Because I can.

Anyway, I'd like to take this time to give out some love...

My wife. Man, she's the god damn bee's knees.


Sam is hot on the trail of a missing man from Bethlehem

Pennsylvania that is.

Big shout out to The Innocent Flower's Lady Glamis. She is the first to externally link to The Pitt site.

She's a wonderful gal that always has something interesting to say about the process of writing.

Go check her out.

If you would like to engage in the slightly dirty sounding button trades, drop me a missive.

I pity the fool,

Brandon History Month April 7, Almost Heaven


Today is World Health Day. April 7th was commissioned by the United Nations to honor the first time Brandon flexed his "guns." 23 days before actual live birth, Brandon heard the song, "Everybody's Kung Fu Fighting."

Brandon immediately went into defensive mode and showed off his muscles. The result sent his mother into the air and she landed in turnip farm outside of Topeka, Kansas.

Still today in Topeka, residents will proclaim that it's raining "pregnant women" outside.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Weekend Update Update

I totally forgot.

While taking a picture with this guy

We met this guy

Weekend Update: Fo Shizz

The wife and I had one giant weekend. I'm barely able to type due to the awesomness of the weekend.

Big week overall as a matter of fact.

On Saturday we went to see The Diary of Anne Frank with my Grandmother. It's a classic story so I don't need to go into the details. The play's ending sort of showed me a microcosm of the changing taste of Americans in the past few decades. When my Bubbe (Yiddish: Grandmother) saw the play in 1959, 14 years after the events in the play, it ended with a bunch of pounding on the door. The Frank's and Van Daan's are eating a meal and the stage goes dark. Everyone knows what the foregone conclusion so you don't need to show it.

In 2009, the father comes out after the Nazi raid the attic complete with guns, and delivers a soliloquy. He sums up everything that happens after the Nazi's capture them.

God forbid you create an interesting ending. Americans need everything summed up and tidy in 22 minutes. As a person who flirts with writing it's tough to burst through the formulaic mind gap that most Americans have been brainwashed into believing is creative.

Anyway, we had a great time.

Sunday, we got up early and instead of resting in the house we decided to take a road trip. ROAD TRIP!!!! We went to the Venice Beach boardwalk and got sunburned. We were trying to make it to the Santa Monica Promenade after that but we got distracted by a bunch of Hasidim at a farmer's market. We stopped and I did a whole Tifilian blessing in the middle of the sidewalk.

So that was weird and cool.

The only part that bummed me out was that there was this drunk chick heckling the Hasidim. They took it very well, much better than I, stoic to the point that it was becoming apparent this is something they deal with a lot.

She said to the guy, "Shabbat Shaloam. Did I say that right?"

The Guy said, "Yeah, are you Jewish."


Ten minutes later, or at least long enough later that it was uncalled for, she comes roaring back, "do I fucking look Jewish?"

Like that's the end of the world. Doesn't help the fact that her disgust was apparent and she had blonde hair and blue eyes.

After that the wife and I had a couple beers and went shopping in the Jewish district in Los Angeles.

Great day.

Sam reports on his meeting with a police sergeant that may have a clue to his past.

Be sure to click and read the archives.


Brandon History Month day 6

On this day in 1896 the First Modern Olympic Games were held in Athens.

Brandon medaled in all events, earning gold of course. He was later stripped of the medals in a scandal known as "Much Too Awesome to be Fair-Gate."

The controversy continues...

Sunday, April 05, 2009

BHM day 5

Brandon is remembered as one of the most humble of all great, legendary man.

Yes, modest in the extreme, he demanded that his thousands of commemorative statues be made of gold, not platinum and not exceed fifty feet in height. Not counting the raised battle axe and/or broad sword.

If there was to be a Mt. Rushmore of humility, Brandon would be Lincoln and Washington.

This should be a lesson to us all, when greatness is thrust upon you, take it in stride.

For example, although lilacs bloom under his steps and clouds part to allow a beam of light to shine on Brandon, he wears sunglasses so to not swoon the masses under his beautiful eyes.

Humble indeed.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Brandon History Month part 4: Now it's personal

vatic • \VAT-ik\ • adjective
: prophetic, oracular, Brandon

Example Sentence:
The vatic voice of Brandon has been known to cause rocks to weep.

Did you know?
Some people say only thin lines separate poetry, prophecy, and madness. We don't know if that's generally true, but it is in the case of "vatic." The adjective derives directly from the Latin word "vates," meaning "seer" or "prophet." But that Latin root is in turn distantly related to an Old English word for "poetry," an Old High German word for "madness," and an Old Irish word for "seer" or "poet." Also, Brandon is Awesome.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Brandon History Month Day 3: Son of B H M

FACT: Brandon has a nightlight in every room.

Brandon is not afraid of the dark.

The dark is afraid of Brandon.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Brandon History Month part 2 Electric Bugaloo

Helloooooooooooooooo, interweb.

So I've taken more of a leap with the whole I Woke Up in Pittsburgh site. Since blog fiction is a relatively newer genre, there isn't a lot of list sites to belong to right now.

Pitts is up on the front page of the Web Fiction Guide. Now it'll be fighting for space with 230 0r so other sites.

Time to step it up.

Sam, the bartender in Pittsburgh, is a story that is heavily steeped in Judaism. That hasn't really come out yet but it will. I've been doling out the story in little bits, but I plan to have the bigger events center around Jewish holidays. And what do you know? Pesach is right around the corner, you may call it Passover.

Big things will begin today.

In other, non fiction news, my wife is still the most amazing person on the planet. Just thought I'd share.

Before I go, I'd be remiss not to leave you with another Brandon History Month factoid:

Fact: Brandon was awarded a silver star, bronze star, and Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroic service with the Allied Forces in World War II.

A Top Ace, he is credited with downing 37 German Stukas and 49 Japanese Zeros. He did all this never actually flying a plane.

His native cunning showed itself as he would stand on top of a building, point at the planes and yell, "Bang!"

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

A National Treasure

You've worked hard for the past 11 months. You've slaved away at your work, home, and other trials of the modern world.

Join us in easing the stresses of the world. To melt away the facade of stern resolution and other such trappings of rigidity to which all must adhere.

Join us in celebrating the live of America's great Prince of Joy.

Today is April 1st and the beginning of...

Brandon History Month.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

A little known fact: April 1st is commonly known as April Fool's Day. A day dedicated to joking and pranks. This is not however, the actual true meaning of the holiday.

Brandon began April 1st as April's Fools Day way back in 1362. It was a day of sympathy and caring for the less fortunate in the world. Less fortunate in way of mental abilities.

In the words of Brandon, "I Pity the Fools, and on this day we all should Pity the Fools together."